I am 7 months clean with only one relapse about one week ago. This is one of the greatest achievement considering the fact there were time when I had fresh cuts that were constant months. I remember that week when I used to do it every day. And my nastiest scars are from those days. I can recall the day 4 years ago when for the first time I did it all over my arm, and it was very deep so deep that because of the uncontrollable pain and blood flow I passed out for 3 hours in the lounge on the sofa waking up at 5 in the morning and it felt like I was on something intoxicating, my whole system my slow, I moved slow I walked slow, and I was pissed, pissed for waking up. Because the darkness and the peace I felt in those 3 hours was like the best feeling. I have never done drugs but I think this is what they would feel like if you do them when you are deep in depression with suicidal thoughts. I reached for the blade again, I just wanted to end it, and when I started doing it again I realized my cuts from 5 hours ago are still bleeding. In that moment my phone buzzed, my love had sent me an audio, it was a song “gone gone gone” by Philips Philips, but in the moment is felt like she was the one singing it to me. And I believed every single word of it. It is when I put the blade down with tears in the my eyes that slowly start rolling down my flushed cheeks, and picked up the wet cotton balls and cleaned my wounds, found the warmest shirt with the longest sleeves. Curled on the bed with the song on the repeat and fell asleep.
“Have you ever had a panic attack?”
Now a days its like everyone is having it like it’s some sort of modern thing that everyone fancies.
but have you really had it?
Because She remembers that morning crystal clear. The turning point of her life, It took her five minutes to grow up. When it feels like nothing is left in this world for her, game over. But it’s just a level up because then the panic attack comes.
She is walking but its feels like she is walking on air, like her feet just don’t touch the ground, and there is fog, layers of fog. She just can’t see clearly.
Its like she have ear buds in her ears as everything is so muffled, distant. And bead of sweat break out on the forehead, she can feel it gliding down the arch of her ice cold back. She reaches for the glass with shaking hands and fills it up with water but somehow she forget where her mouth was and just drop the it, mere millimeters from where her lips were, and water goes spilling down the shirt but she don’t really care, can’t really understand. Its like the air is so heavy, it just wont reach them lungs, she isn’t breathing to her full potential , just so shallow, her complete focus is on breathing because if she isn’t she might just pass out. And then she realizes that she is at her weakest and doesn’t want anyone to see her like this.
Then she feel like the dinner is coming up and she just craves to sit, sleep, close her eyes, let it settle, let it pass.
she make her way to the bathroom, and everything just comes out as she feels sick to her very soul and there goes dinner, down the drain. And she is just splashing water on her face and that is when it feels like everything is coming back into perspective. she washes her face again, and again, and again. And just stands there looking at your face in the mirror, and looks like a mess, with bloodshot sunken eyes. Hell! She feel like a mess. But she dives into her bag and pull out the brightest lipstick in it, and start layering her lips with it unless she feels a little less like a mess. And she pumps her hair up. With that she walks out the bathroom like the most confident women in the world with the brightest smile on her face. Because all it took for her to transition from a girl to a woman was a hole in your heart. And even if it gets filled back up. she can’t really undo what’s already done, she are not allowed to have your childhood back.