I am 7 months clean with only one relapse about one week ago. This is one of the greatest achievement considering the fact there were time when I had fresh cuts that were constant months. I remember that week when I used to do it every day. And my nastiest scars are from those days. I can recall the day 4 years ago when for the first time I did it all over my arm, and it was very deep so deep that because of the uncontrollable pain and blood flow I passed out for 3 hours in the lounge on the sofa waking up at 5 in the morning and it felt like I was on something intoxicating, my whole system my slow, I moved slow I walked slow, and I was pissed, pissed for waking up. Because the darkness and the peace I felt in those 3 hours was like the best feeling. I have never done drugs but I think this is what they would feel like if you do them when you are deep in depression with suicidal thoughts. I reached for the blade again, I just wanted to end it, and when I started doing it again I realized my cuts from 5 hours ago are still bleeding. In that moment my phone buzzed, my love had sent me an audio, it was a song “gone gone gone” by Philips Philips, but in the moment is felt like she was the one singing it to me. And I believed every single word of it. It is when I put the blade down with tears in the my eyes that slowly start rolling down my flushed cheeks, and picked up the wet cotton balls and cleaned my wounds, found the warmest shirt with the longest sleeves. Curled on the bed with the song on the repeat and fell asleep.