There is variation. Variation in people. How some people are not effected by the problems others face. It doesnt effect them. How they can’t feel. How they have no empathy. How they are so shallow. Is it possible for a human to be human and not have ay of these. The thought that what if I end up being like that send chills down my spine. Yes I have seen poor people. Yes I have seen people at their worst. But I never get used to it. It is always new. Everytime it manages to get to me. Is this normal? Is it okay to feel so much?
Its funny how no one really knows you. Even the people who think they know you the most they dont. Like how you think that when I am hurt or pissed I will scream out i will fight and yell. When in reality it is totally opposite. If you ever yell at me all I would do is take a step back I wont talk about it. I will just take a step back on ever yell and every push you give me. If I am hurt you will only see it once in my eyes. Just a flash of pain. And then its gone. I will just go quiet I wont talk about it. Eating would become the most difficult task for me and even if I do eat something i won’t be able to keep it down. I talk very softly. I zone out of conversations. I would agree with you irrespective of what you are asking or saying. I wont object to anything. I wont gossip or have long converations hell i wont even make an effort to talk. And trust me you can ask me a bizillion times what is up and I won’t tell you. I wont give you the real reason ever. Sweetheart you are not suppose to ask me what is wrong. You are suppose to hug me tight. Give me one of the best hugs you can ever give. I might be stiff and i might not respond but believe me when I say that the walls will crack up and I will relax i your arms. I will put my head on your shoulder and give out a sigh and lightly place my hands on your back. Now during this if you feel something wet on your shoulder dont pull back and look at my face because even I can’t meet my own eyes when I am crying so all it would do is put me in a panic mode and I would turn into a frantic mess. Just hold me. Because in a situation like that all I need is a shoulder to cry on and protective arms to hold me so I know that when I break I do have someone forming a wall around me and when I can’t hide my tears there is someone doing it for me. And once you have given me a couple of minutes then ask me what is wrong and then I will spill every single detail of it as now all the hurt has washed away with them tears. Its crazy how no one has ever been able to understand this.
I am 7 months clean with only one relapse about one week ago. This is one of the greatest achievement considering the fact there were time when I had fresh cuts that were constant months. I remember that week when I used to do it every day. And my nastiest scars are from those days. I can recall the day 4 years ago when for the first time I did it all over my arm, and it was very deep so deep that because of the uncontrollable pain and blood flow I passed out for 3 hours in the lounge on the sofa waking up at 5 in the morning and it felt like I was on something intoxicating, my whole system my slow, I moved slow I walked slow, and I was pissed, pissed for waking up. Because the darkness and the peace I felt in those 3 hours was like the best feeling. I have never done drugs but I think this is what they would feel like if you do them when you are deep in depression with suicidal thoughts. I reached for the blade again, I just wanted to end it, and when I started doing it again I realized my cuts from 5 hours ago are still bleeding. In that moment my phone buzzed, my love had sent me an audio, it was a song “gone gone gone” by Philips Philips, but in the moment is felt like she was the one singing it to me. And I believed every single word of it. It is when I put the blade down with tears in the my eyes that slowly start rolling down my flushed cheeks, and picked up the wet cotton balls and cleaned my wounds, found the warmest shirt with the longest sleeves. Curled on the bed with the song on the repeat and fell asleep.
What did you think? That I didn’t know? Just because I don’t say it. I don’t show it. I don’t let it on, I don’t know. I know that my existence merely means anything to someone other than a source of entertainment, a person who has perfect life who is always smiling and laughing. Carefree problem free.
Yet however when you told me that they all are fake, that I don’t mean to them, I didn’t believe you because I didn’t want to, but you were proved right and my hopes crashed she started counted her friends the people who she can count on, and seems like she just forgot to say my name!
I am the person who is friends with everyone yet no one is friends with her.
And the reason why I don’t let it control me and I try to steal happiness whenever I see the opportunity because I know if I let it I would lose my sanity, I would be devastated.