Feel — February 20, 2018

Feel

There is variation. Variation in people. How some people are not effected by the problems others face. It doesnt effect them. How they can’t feel. How they have no empathy. How they are so shallow. Is it possible for a human to be human and not have ay of these. The thought that what if I end up being like that send chills down my spine. Yes I have seen poor people. Yes I have seen people at their worst. But I never get used to it. It is always new. Everytime it manages to get to me. Is this normal? Is it okay to feel so much?

Just Hold Her — February 13, 2018

Just Hold Her

Its funny how no one really knows you. Even the people who think they know you the most they dont. Like how you think that when I am hurt or pissed I will scream out i will fight and yell. When in reality it is totally opposite. If you ever yell at me all I would do is take a step back I wont talk about it. I will just take a step back on ever yell and every push you give me. If I am hurt you will only see it once in my eyes. Just a flash of pain. And then its gone. I will just go quiet I wont talk about it. Eating would become the most difficult task for me and even if I do eat something i won’t be able to keep it down. I talk very softly. I zone out of conversations. I would agree with you irrespective of what you are asking or saying. I wont object to anything. I wont gossip or have long converations hell i wont even make an effort to talk. And trust me you can ask me a bizillion times what is up and I won’t tell you. I wont give you the real reason ever. Sweetheart you are not suppose to ask me what is wrong. You are suppose to hug me tight. Give me one of the best hugs you can ever give. I might be stiff and i might not respond but believe me when I say that the walls will crack up and I will relax i your arms. I will put my head on your shoulder and give out a sigh and lightly place my hands on your back. Now during this if you feel something wet on your shoulder dont pull back and look at my face because even I can’t meet my own eyes when I am crying so all it would do is put me in a panic mode and I would turn into a frantic mess. Just hold me. Because in a situation like that all I need is a shoulder to cry on and protective arms to hold me so I know that when I break I do have someone forming a wall around me and when I can’t hide my tears there is someone doing it for me. And once you have given me a couple of minutes then ask me what is wrong and then I will spill every single detail of it as now all the hurt has washed away with them tears. Its crazy how no one has ever been able to understand this.

The Worst — October 13, 2017

The Worst

I am 7 months clean with only one relapse about one week ago. This is one of the greatest achievement considering the fact there were time when I had fresh cuts that were constant months. I remember that week when I used to do it every day. And my nastiest scars are from those days. I can recall the day 4 years ago when for the first time I did it all over my arm, and it was very deep so deep that because of the uncontrollable pain and blood flow I passed out for 3 hours in the lounge on the sofa waking up at 5 in the morning and it felt like I was on something intoxicating, my whole system my slow, tumblr_mp7chmj5pf1svwhkxo1_500.gifI moved slow I walked slow, and       I was pissed, pissed for waking up. Because the darkness and the peace I felt in those 3 hours was like the best feeling. I have never done drugs but I think this is what they would feel like if you do them when you are deep in depression with suicidal thoughts. I reached for the blade again, I just wanted to end it, and when I started doing it again I realized my cuts from 5 hours ago are still bleeding. In that moment my phone buzzed, my love had sent me an audio, it was a song “gone gone gone” by Philips Philips, but in the moment is felt like she was the one singing it to me. And I believed every single word of it.  It is when I put the blade down with tears in the my eyes that slowly start rolling down my flushed cheeks, and picked up the wet cotton balls and cleaned my wounds, found the warmest shirt with the longest sleeves. Curled on the bed with the song on the repeat and fell asleep.

JustBreathe! —

JustBreathe!

“Have you ever had a panic attack?”
“yes.”
Now a days its like everyone is having it like it’s some sort of modern thing that everyone fancies.
but have you really had it?
Because She remembers that morning crystal clear. The turning point of her life, It took her five minutes to grow up. When it feels like nothing is left in this world for her, game over. But it’s just a level up because then the panic attack comes.
She is walking but its feels like she is walking on air, like her feet just don’t touch the ground, and there is fog, layers of fog. She just can’t see clearly.
Its like she have ear buds in her ears as everything is so muffled, distant. And bead of sweat break out on the forehead, she can feel it gliding down the arch of her ice cold back. She reaches for the glass with shaking hands and fills it up with water but somehow she forget where her mouth was and just drop the it, mere millimeters from where her lips were, and water goes spilling down the shirt but she don’t really care, can’t really understand. Its like the air is so heavy, it just wont reach them lungs, she isn’t breathing to her full potential , just so shallow, her complete focus is on breathing because if she isn’t she might just pass out.  And then she realizes that she is at her weakest and doesn’t want anyone to see her like this.

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Then she feel like the dinner is coming up and she just craves to sit, sleep, close her eyes, let it settle, let it pass.
she make her way to the bathroom, and everything just comes out as she feels sick to her very soul and there goes dinner, down the drain. And she is just splashing water on her face and that is when it feels like everything is coming back into perspective. she washes her face again, and again, and again. And just stands there looking at your face in the mirror, and  looks like a mess, with bloodshot sunken eyes. Hell! She feel like a mess. But she dives into her bag and pull out the brightest lipstick in it, and start layering her lips with it unless she feels a little less like a mess. And she pumps her hair up. With that she walks out the bathroom like the most confident women in the world with the brightest smile on her face. Because all it took for her to transition from a girl to a woman was  a hole in your heart. And even if it gets filled back up. she can’t really undo what’s already done, she are not allowed to have your childhood back.

Used to love you — October 26, 2015

Used to love you

a7beaa141070612718bce67b5879ca73I don’t know why I get tears in my eyes whenever I think about you maybe it’s because I actually loved you back.

Here I am sitting in my bed with a mug of coffee in my hand smiling at all the memories we shared.

You wouldn’t fight with me even when I will tell you to, why? Because you loved me and didn’t wanna fight with me. You would keep on telling me “I love uh” even when I would tell you that I don’t want you to say it, so why did you keep on saying it? Because you actually meant it.

I remember when I asked you what you wanna do when you meet me. And you answered you wanna hug me. Tight. And what did I do in return? I scolded you for saying it.

We would fight every time, oh no! not we, you never did. I would fight with you and force you to leave and yet you would come back every time, why? Because you really did love me and did not want to leave me. I know boys have a lot of ego yet when I would tell you if you have any ego you will not message me and yet you did. You were willing to give it up and all of it just for me.

We would have nothing to talk about yet you wanted to talk to me because you missed me more them I missed you.

Then why did I force you leave and now when you are not gonna come back I am missing you and realizing how much you actually loved me.

I do realize and I did realized it a long time back when we were on good terms and you used to tell me how much you loved me, that how much I actually did love you.

Then why was I reluctant? Because I was dead scared of loving.

And now that I have faced it all, I cannot stop the tears.



True Love? — July 26, 2015

True Love?

tumblr_m74haax3PL1r04fcqo1_500Yes, It’s a yes“, I typed those words desperately because I know how bad I actually want to say it. Yet I am hesitating before sending it even when I know how delighted he would be, as he would reach the seventh sky knowing how much I actually love him, as he had waited for quite a long time to finally hear those words. However I decide against it and leave him wondering, why do I not love him at all. just the thought of this makes me smile just so lightly with tears hanging in my eyes as I think, “How he would never understand my unconditional love just for him”.

If I love him so much, why leave? why not just confess it? Well I am a realist. I know that we can never have a future, so why give him a moment of happiness that I know won’t last, that I know would be nothing more then a beautiful dream that would end  too soon.

Yes It would be like living a hell. I would cry myself to sleep every night. I would search for his face in every crowd I see and realizing it is not him would break me yet another time. And I know he is hurt too. But as it is said, time heals wounds similarly soon this throbbing pain would turn to an ache and then these faces would turn to a memory and by then none of us would be searching for each others faces and none of us would cry over the loss. Yet when we hear the familiar rusted name our hearts would swell with love and ache.

However if his side of the love is true as he says then later in his life when he lays beside the mother of his kids at night whom he loves the most, somewhere in the dark he would see my face smiling at him, and in that moment he would know, how much I actually loved him to leave him as this is what true love is, which provides you with a long term happiness even if it means hurting themselves and letting you go.