Feel — February 20, 2018


There is variation. Variation in people. How some people are not effected by the problems others face. It doesnt effect them. How they can’t feel. How they have no empathy. How they are so shallow. Is it possible for a human to be human and not have ay of these. The thought that what if I end up being like that send chills down my spine. Yes I have seen poor people. Yes I have seen people at their worst. But I never get used to it. It is always new. Everytime it manages to get to me. Is this normal? Is it okay to feel so much?

Just Hold Her — February 13, 2018

Just Hold Her

Its funny how no one really knows you. Even the people who think they know you the most they dont. Like how you think that when I am hurt or pissed I will scream out i will fight and yell. When in reality it is totally opposite. If you ever yell at me all I would do is take a step back I wont talk about it. I will just take a step back on ever yell and every push you give me. If I am hurt you will only see it once in my eyes. Just a flash of pain. And then its gone. I will just go quiet I wont talk about it. Eating would become the most difficult task for me and even if I do eat something i won’t be able to keep it down. I talk very softly. I zone out of conversations. I would agree with you irrespective of what you are asking or saying. I wont object to anything. I wont gossip or have long converations hell i wont even make an effort to talk. And trust me you can ask me a bizillion times what is up and I won’t tell you. I wont give you the real reason ever. Sweetheart you are not suppose to ask me what is wrong. You are suppose to hug me tight. Give me one of the best hugs you can ever give. I might be stiff and i might not respond but believe me when I say that the walls will crack up and I will relax i your arms. I will put my head on your shoulder and give out a sigh and lightly place my hands on your back. Now during this if you feel something wet on your shoulder dont pull back and look at my face because even I can’t meet my own eyes when I am crying so all it would do is put me in a panic mode and I would turn into a frantic mess. Just hold me. Because in a situation like that all I need is a shoulder to cry on and protective arms to hold me so I know that when I break I do have someone forming a wall around me and when I can’t hide my tears there is someone doing it for me. And once you have given me a couple of minutes then ask me what is wrong and then I will spill every single detail of it as now all the hurt has washed away with them tears. Its crazy how no one has ever been able to understand this.

The Worst — October 13, 2017

The Worst

I am 7 months clean with only one relapse about one week ago. This is one of the greatest achievement considering the fact there were time when I had fresh cuts that were constant months. I remember that week when I used to do it every day. And my nastiest scars are from those days. I can recall the day 4 years ago when for the first time I did it all over my arm, and it was very deep so deep that because of the uncontrollable pain and blood flow I passed out for 3 hours in the lounge on the sofa waking up at 5 in the morning and it felt like I was on something intoxicating, my whole system my slow, tumblr_mp7chmj5pf1svwhkxo1_500.gifI moved slow I walked slow, and       I was pissed, pissed for waking up. Because the darkness and the peace I felt in those 3 hours was like the best feeling. I have never done drugs but I think this is what they would feel like if you do them when you are deep in depression with suicidal thoughts. I reached for the blade again, I just wanted to end it, and when I started doing it again I realized my cuts from 5 hours ago are still bleeding. In that moment my phone buzzed, my love had sent me an audio, it was a song “gone gone gone” by Philips Philips, but in the moment is felt like she was the one singing it to me. And I believed every single word of it.  It is when I put the blade down with tears in the my eyes that slowly start rolling down my flushed cheeks, and picked up the wet cotton balls and cleaned my wounds, found the warmest shirt with the longest sleeves. Curled on the bed with the song on the repeat and fell asleep.

Is My Resignation Accepted? — April 5, 2017

Is My Resignation Accepted?

I don’t wanna fight this fight anymore. I am tired of screaming on the inside while everyone remains oblivious of the torture I am going through. Wondering who is torturing me? Well the better question will be what is torturing me or what am I fighting, not who. This is the worst kind of fight because in this wanna scream12243baf71eb21023168a2e88d731de6 out loud. Sometimes you wanna talk bout it to a friend and there are times when you wanna scream about it from the top of the building. Some people are strong som
e people know how to trust someone how to have complete faith that someone will bring them back. These are the idealist. A realistic person knows that the only way to defeat it is to decide to defeat it. Because look around sweetie no one is fighting you. Its you. Against you. And the only one who can do it is you. Well maybe deep down I don’t want to fight it. Maybe there is a relief watching all the hurt flow alongside the stream of blood seeping through the arm. Oh so will it be the wrist? Nah don’t want anyone finding out. Well it could be the forearm? What would i do when i have to wear three-quarter sleeves. Then upper arm it is? Well have to get the waxing done, don’t we. Then where, right?
Thighs. No one looks there, no one thinks it could be there. Get the job done without anyone finding out.
Sick of doing this job? Well there is only one way out. Do it on the wrist not horizontally like you always do, do it vertically and do it deep. And trust be your resignation letter will be accepted.

Used to love you — October 26, 2015

Used to love you

a7beaa141070612718bce67b5879ca73I don’t know why I get tears in my eyes whenever I think about you maybe it’s because I actually loved you back.

Here I am sitting in my bed with a mug of coffee in my hand smiling at all the memories we shared.

You wouldn’t fight with me even when I will tell you to, why? Because you loved me and didn’t wanna fight with me. You would keep on telling me “I love uh” even when I would tell you that I don’t want you to say it, so why did you keep on saying it? Because you actually meant it.

I remember when I asked you what you wanna do when you meet me. And you answered you wanna hug me. Tight. And what did I do in return? I scolded you for saying it.

We would fight every time, oh no! not we, you never did. I would fight with you and force you to leave and yet you would come back every time, why? Because you really did love me and did not want to leave me. I know boys have a lot of ego yet when I would tell you if you have any ego you will not message me and yet you did. You were willing to give it up and all of it just for me.

We would have nothing to talk about yet you wanted to talk to me because you missed me more them I missed you.

Then why did I force you leave and now when you are not gonna come back I am missing you and realizing how much you actually loved me.

I do realize and I did realized it a long time back when we were on good terms and you used to tell me how much you loved me, that how much I actually did love you.

Then why was I reluctant? Because I was dead scared of loving.

And now that I have faced it all, I cannot stop the tears.

Positive or Negative? — August 18, 2015

Positive or Negative?

Recently I received my O-levels result. But upon seeing the reaction of some of my classmates i decided that something should be said, so here I go!

As you extend your hand to hold the result for which you had been waiting for more than two months. whilst your heart is pounding in your chest your hand touches the crisp paper and your eyes run across it hungrily.
The grades that you see might make your heart swell as you know that what you have worked for you have achieved it, and now you just can’t wait to celebrate and share your result with your loved ones.

But there are people! (which is the most of us). and you feel like you have died in that moment and that the most heaviest thing right now is this crisp hard piece of paper and with it in your hand you are rooted to the spot and it makes you feel light-headed and in that moment for a second your vision goes blurred as well you think it is because of the tears that are no more stinging in your eye but are gliding freely down your cheekbones. And in that minute you trip over your own foot and the person beside you holds your shoulder to keep you steady.

Later on when all of this information sinks in you start blaming yourself, and this is where we all go wrong.
Blaming is not the solution because if you do this how do you succeed in future. This is one result and this cannot decide your future. But this does decide if you want this to carry on or you want to make it any better. There is no weakness is crying if your expectations crash but it also doesn’t means that you keep on doing it all the time. Cry once and then start striving better. Make it a lesson not your fate.

Because after all Life goes on!

Door-mat or a Punching bag? — August 1, 2015

Door-mat or a Punching bag?

The tires cried in pain as I suppressed the brakes with all my force and stepped out of the car and slammed the door shut. Tears stream down my face on the tracks they know very well.

I walk down the step and then my feet touch the soft yet so cold ground which would lead me to the roaring sea. The cruel wind snatch my hair and kept throwing them in my face. My hand still ached like someone was constantly stabbing pins, from when I punched straight into the wall due to the desperate anger.

with the pain came the stinging memories reminding me how I am everyone’s punching bag, how I am the one who cares about others, provides then with what they need yet no one is there to see how upset I am, yet no one bothers asking ‘oh so how was your day?’ They don’t even say a thankyou but instead choose to take out all their frustation on me by shouting at me Insulting me and cursing too. Therefore me being a human being a living person with feelings and a heart decide to lock herself in a room and cry and cry and just cry and when the anger surpasses that I decide to make someone damage not to them but to myself and this is how I always end up getting bruised fists and arms.

With every wave that crashes against the rocks my heart crashes against my ribs and reminds me with each and every nightmare I have lived and the ones that are waiting to be lived.

May I ask? — July 23, 2015

May I ask?

aOkay, I get it I can never be the first one but do I don’t even have a right to ask? As in why can’t I be anyone’s first choice, someone’s priority, someone’s first option, someone’s first best friend. Why the second one? Do I just don’t deserve it all?

Here I start believing that I am finally the first option for you I start feeling special, and with in a blink of eye, I am back from where i started, where I was, where I have stood and where I will always stand.