Used to love you — October 26, 2015

Used to love you

a7beaa141070612718bce67b5879ca73I don’t know why I get tears in my eyes whenever I think about you maybe it’s because I actually loved you back.

Here I am sitting in my bed with a mug of coffee in my hand smiling at all the memories we shared.

You wouldn’t fight with me even when I will tell you to, why? Because you loved me and didn’t wanna fight with me. You would keep on telling me “I love uh” even when I would tell you that I don’t want you to say it, so why did you keep on saying it? Because you actually meant it.

I remember when I asked you what you wanna do when you meet me. And you answered you wanna hug me. Tight. And what did I do in return? I scolded you for saying it.

We would fight every time, oh no! not we, you never did. I would fight with you and force you to leave and yet you would come back every time, why? Because you really did love me and did not want to leave me. I know boys have a lot of ego yet when I would tell you if you have any ego you will not message me and yet you did. You were willing to give it up and all of it just for me.

We would have nothing to talk about yet you wanted to talk to me because you missed me more them I missed you.

Then why did I force you leave and now when you are not gonna come back I am missing you and realizing how much you actually loved me.

I do realize and I did realized it a long time back when we were on good terms and you used to tell me how much you loved me, that how much I actually did love you.

Then why was I reluctant? Because I was dead scared of loving.

And now that I have faced it all, I cannot stop the tears.

Facade or Reality? — August 21, 2015

Facade or Reality?

slipping away. Unnoticed

My checks ache as I have had that smile fixed on my lips from longer then I remember and now I just can’t take it anymore as I can feel this facade peeling off me slowly and gradually and I just cannot be raw before these people who believe they know me like no other. They know what I want them to know and that is, that I am the most jolly person, I don’t get mad and stay pissed at people for too long, I don’t cry for too long. And they all are nothing but wrong.
Therefore I slowly slip away unnoticed not wanting to grasp any attention and race up those stairs, and with every step I take a new tear rolls my cheek, and with every tear another flake comes off and by the time I reach the roof top where I always go whenever I am raw.
Streams of tears roll down by cheeks because I am tired of pretending, I want someone to see past that smile and look deep in those chocolate-colored eyes, deep enough to look past that happiness. Hold me and comforts me and most importantly see the real me and accept me as I am and not run away from me and love me and just love me.
Yet I wear that mast again and head back downstairs as I wipe my tears away, and by the time I reach the last stair I realize that I am smiling, because I am so used to pretending as now it almost comes naturally.

Positive or Negative? — August 18, 2015

Positive or Negative?

Recently I received my O-levels result. But upon seeing the reaction of some of my classmates i decided that something should be said, so here I go!

As you extend your hand to hold the result for which you had been waiting for more than two months. whilst your heart is pounding in your chest your hand touches the crisp paper and your eyes run across it hungrily.
The grades that you see might make your heart swell as you know that what you have worked for you have achieved it, and now you just can’t wait to celebrate and share your result with your loved ones.

But there are people! (which is the most of us). and you feel like you have died in that moment and that the most heaviest thing right now is this crisp hard piece of paper and with it in your hand you are rooted to the spot and it makes you feel light-headed and in that moment for a second your vision goes blurred as well you think it is because of the tears that are no more stinging in your eye but are gliding freely down your cheekbones. And in that minute you trip over your own foot and the person beside you holds your shoulder to keep you steady.

Later on when all of this information sinks in you start blaming yourself, and this is where we all go wrong.
Blaming is not the solution because if you do this how do you succeed in future. This is one result and this cannot decide your future. But this does decide if you want this to carry on or you want to make it any better. There is no weakness is crying if your expectations crash but it also doesn’t means that you keep on doing it all the time. Cry once and then start striving better. Make it a lesson not your fate.

Because after all Life goes on!

Door-mat or a Punching bag? — August 1, 2015

Door-mat or a Punching bag?

The tires cried in pain as I suppressed the brakes with all my force and stepped out of the car and slammed the door shut. Tears stream down my face on the tracks they know very well.

I walk down the step and then my feet touch the soft yet so cold ground which would lead me to the roaring sea. The cruel wind snatch my hair and kept throwing them in my face. My hand still ached like someone was constantly stabbing pins, from when I punched straight into the wall due to the desperate anger.

with the pain came the stinging memories reminding me how I am everyone’s punching bag, how I am the one who cares about others, provides then with what they need yet no one is there to see how upset I am, yet no one bothers asking ‘oh so how was your day?’ They don’t even say a thankyou but instead choose to take out all their frustation on me by shouting at me Insulting me and cursing too. Therefore me being a human being a living person with feelings and a heart decide to lock herself in a room and cry and cry and just cry and when the anger surpasses that I decide to make someone damage not to them but to myself and this is how I always end up getting bruised fists and arms.

With every wave that crashes against the rocks my heart crashes against my ribs and reminds me with each and every nightmare I have lived and the ones that are waiting to be lived.

True Love? — July 26, 2015

True Love?

tumblr_m74haax3PL1r04fcqo1_500Yes, It’s a yes“, I typed those words desperately because I know how bad I actually want to say it. Yet I am hesitating before sending it even when I know how delighted he would be, as he would reach the seventh sky knowing how much I actually love him, as he had waited for quite a long time to finally hear those words. However I decide against it and leave him wondering, why do I not love him at all. just the thought of this makes me smile just so lightly with tears hanging in my eyes as I think, “How he would never understand my unconditional love just for him”.

If I love him so much, why leave? why not just confess it? Well I am a realist. I know that we can never have a future, so why give him a moment of happiness that I know won’t last, that I know would be nothing more then a beautiful dream that would end  too soon.

Yes It would be like living a hell. I would cry myself to sleep every night. I would search for his face in every crowd I see and realizing it is not him would break me yet another time. And I know he is hurt too. But as it is said, time heals wounds similarly soon this throbbing pain would turn to an ache and then these faces would turn to a memory and by then none of us would be searching for each others faces and none of us would cry over the loss. Yet when we hear the familiar rusted name our hearts would swell with love and ache.

However if his side of the love is true as he says then later in his life when he lays beside the mother of his kids at night whom he loves the most, somewhere in the dark he would see my face smiling at him, and in that moment he would know, how much I actually loved him to leave him as this is what true love is, which provides you with a long term happiness even if it means hurting themselves and letting you go.

May I ask? — July 23, 2015

May I ask?

aOkay, I get it I can never be the first one but do I don’t even have a right to ask? As in why can’t I be anyone’s first choice, someone’s priority, someone’s first option, someone’s first best friend. Why the second one? Do I just don’t deserve it all?

Here I start believing that I am finally the first option for you I start feeling special, and with in a blink of eye, I am back from where i started, where I was, where I have stood and where I will always stand.

1 cup Coffee please — June 24, 2015

1 cup Coffee please first thing that reached me was the sweet aromatic smell, even before my lips could mate with the cup, and it was so rich that I could almost taste it at the tip of my tongue. I closed my eyes as I devoured in the flavor, while demolishing all the distances between those red fuller lips and that full cup of coffee which waited impatiently to kiss them and have a taste of those red lips. And now the wish was finally granted, as i took the fist sip of this coffee. The warm coffee entered my mouth and made love to it whilst it danced with my tongue. It pumped adrenaline into the streams of blood that run up and down my body thirsty to grasp every nook and corner of my body and conquer it. By the time i reached the last sip of it and gulped it down, It was victorious as I could feel myself warm in every nook and corner of my body while made a small smile hang at the edge of those faded red lips.

I quit — June 20, 2015

I quit

my finger hovered over the “unfriend” button. Why was it hovering? why am I hesitating? Is it because I don’t want to? Well was it ever about what you want? No it have always been about what you need to do, what people expect from you. Then what’s the hesitate, why am I not just doing it. Now I know what it was about, because I recall now that i said “I would leave if I ever see your message again” and I haven’t seen even a single message from you so isn’t unfriending a betrayal? yet I choose to do it because I remember reading on you wall the words “i quit”. Maybe they weren’t for me, but if they were. So lets assume that they were. So if they were doesn’t it means that everything is over? because all I ever wanted was you to hang on to me. To be there even when I looked you straight in to your eyes, fiercely telling you to leave. I just wanted you to stay so maybe when I read that I was pissed, I realized that you are like every other person who came in my life and then gradually left. Whom I pushed out and who chose to leave. So If you quit, then you leave, then you have no place on my new feed, on my wall or in my friend-list.

So why is my finger hovering over the “add friend” button? Is it because I don’t want you quit? I am not sure right now. But the thing that I am sure about is that I am not the type of person who betrays. So I press the button and decide that  I will add you. I will never get close to you again. I will not let myself get hurt. and  i will unfriend you if i ever see your name pop up on my screen, not caring if I have to cry myself to sleep every night.

Cause WordPress told me to — June 17, 2015

Cause WordPress told me to

I don’t know what to write right now except this. That i have always wanted to have a blog of my own where I can just write about my feelings and my point of views without giving a second thought that,OMG what happens if someone doesn’t agree, because in the end someone would.

So here it is!